In November last year I featured John Wilks’ review of Barbara Roberts’ book, Not Under Bondage. I invited Barbara to tell us more about the book and why she wrote it. This is the second of two articles she prepared in response to that invitation.
Barbara writes:
In a previous post, I described my book Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion. How large is the potential audience for such a book? In western countries, the research shows that for women who have ever been partnered, nearly one in four will experience violence from an intimate partner. Although we need more research to establish the relative prevalence for Christians as compared to the general population, we know from pastoral experience that many Christians experience this problem. And research shows that Christian victims stay longer in abusive marriages than unbelievers do.
One in four is an extraordinary figure. Why hasn’t there been more call on such books?
Towards answering this, let me tell you how I came to write Not Under Bondage.
I became a Christian in 1981 but for a long time had minimal biblical teaching and lingering confusion due to my former beliefs. Unaware that Christians should avoid marrying non-Christians, I married an unbeliever in 1989 and we had one daughter. The marriage gradually became abusive and I occasionally took refuge in a women’s shelter.
In 1994 I left my husband and started attending church and Bible study. Child custody was contested but eventually awarded to me, with my husband granted access.
In this first separation, the only book I read about divorce was Laney’s The Divorce Myth. He made no mention of domestic abuse. I was outside his universe. I sought advice from a female pastor who believed that divorce is never right. She said that whenever someone breaks a covenant (as Israel broke the covenant they’d made with the Gibeonites) they will come under God’s judgement. I did not want to disobey God, so I remained legally married (but separated) and thought I would have to stay that way for the rest of my life.
Many victims of domestic abuse have received hurtful and harmful counsel from Christians. This deters them from disclosing the issue of domestic abuse, and from asking for books on the topic. Comments like “What did you do to provoke the abuse?” or “You should try to be a better spouse” blame the victim. “You should pray more” tells the victim to keep quiet about the problem. “You must submit more” tells the victim to comply with whatever sins the other partner chooses to dish out. “God hates divorce” instils dread and guilt. “Adultery is the only ground for divorce” discounts the sin of domestic abuse and sidelines the victim’s dilemma. Such comments make the victims in our midst afraid of seeking counsel, in case it rubs salt in already aching wounds.
During access handovers, I told my husband about Jesus and gave him a Bible. After four years he made a profession of faith and we reconciled as a married couple. The abuse recurred and I separated for the last time in 1999, divorcing some years after that.
When the marriage broke down the second time, I had enormous scriptural dilemmas. What did the Bible say about domestic abuse? I read widely but found (remember this was 1999) no book that sufficiently answered my questions. A few Christian feminists had written on domestic abuse, but the theology did not sit right with me. Many conservative theologians wrote on divorce, but when they mentioned domestic abuse it was only a few sentences, parentheses, or footnotes. Moreover, what they said often displayed lack of comprehension about the scriptural plight of Christian victims of domestic abuse. Nobody seemed really to understand the scriptural dilemmas I had.
I eventually found myself writing a book which was to be called Biblical Answers to Domestic Abuse and would have one chapter in it about divorce. The divorce chapter became a book on its own – Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion - which is now available worldwide. (The other book is yet to be finished.)
I trust Not Under Bondage will help victims, clergy and all Christians deal with the issue more biblically, which should help the problem be less hidden and stigmatised.
- More information: www.notunderbondage.com
