Roll up, roll up now ladies and gentlemen! Gather round now, please, for this weekend’s extravaganza: spring has sprung, summer is sizzling and it’s time for some marketing madness as we bring you [cue trumpet fanfare and roll of drums] The Ultimate Christian Product Awards!
Nick Page, eat your heart out: your writing career with HarperCollins is finished. There’s nothing left to write now. Vicky Beeching, your days as a worship leader are over: the best that can ever be has already been done. HarperCollins, Kingsway: you can both close down now. You have fought the fight, you have run the race: there are no more Christian books to publish, no more worship albums to produce. John Paculabo, you can relax at last: no one cares about your prices anymore because there’s only one product to sell!
As for us, as Christian retailers, we can sweep the shelves clear! Sweep them clear, I say, and fill them with these, The Ultimate Christian Products! Let’s go further: with only two products worthy of shelf space beside the Bible, let’s replace ourselves with instant-burn digital download POD vending machines: the only things to quibble over are the prices, but with the only staff overheads being the machine tenders’ wages, that shouldn’t be a problem. Amazon: you are history.
So fast forward to the Awards Ceremony, my friends: we have two entrants, one book and one CD:
But now, behold, a mystery!! Both products have been around for a while: the Collins “Only book you need besides the Bible” Companion came out in October last year; and Kingsway’s Best Hymns Album in the World… Ever was released in March this year — yet both publishers are still producing more stuff!
Could it be they don’t believe their own marketing spin? Could it really be nothing but hype?? No, no, my friends: this is reality!
And do we have a winner in this two-horse race? Indeed we do, ladies and gentlemen, indeed we do — and in time honoured tradition I can now announce the results. In no particular order, then:
HarperCollins, I am so sorry: you are out of the competition. Please step aside. I am so sorry: you’ve given us a magnificent product but it hasn’t quite made the grade. The judges love you, the audience at home love you — no, please, don’t cry. Step over there, please, my darlings. Thank you, thank you so much.
And so we come to the winner of this weekend’s show, and that winner is … [flashing lights, fireworks, orchestra in full swing] … patience, now, please ladies and gentlemen: the winner is Kingsway!!
Congratulations, my dears. Yes, you have won. Yes, it’s true, it’s really true: the Ultimate Christian Product award goes to Kingsway — but not for the Best Hymns Album in the World… Ever! No, for a surprise new entry as the rolling banner that tempts us with Best Hymns Album in the World… Ever rolls around again to offer us:
Yes! Songs of Justice, Mercy and Humility! Yes, that’s it, take a bow. Yes, this award is really yours. Stand tall now, with pride! Stand tall!!
But wait, there’s more! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to let you know that not only have Kingsway won the UCP award but they also want to share the proceeds of their marketing madness with you by offering all their own products at below their own RRPs!
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: visit kingswayshop.com today and you can buy the Best Hymns Album in the World… Ever at Kingsway price, £12.99; Kingsway RRP, £16.99 and ‘pre-order’ You Have Shown Us: Songs of Justice, Mercy and Humility at Kingsway price, £9.99; Kingsway RRP, £12.99. That’s both albums, the winner and the runner up, for Kingsway price, £22.98, Kingsway RRP, £29.98: you save and Kingsway wins! Or is it the other way around? I truly don’t know.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you and goodnight. Goodnight from all of us at the Ultimate Christian Product Awards ceremony. Enjoy your evening. Thank you. Goodnight.